Author: inkieadmin

My worst Fear: Eva Creely

“Fear” being the Gaelic word for Man…….

My worst fear turned in fact out to be  my worst ‘Fear’. There I was in Matt Molloys all set for the Craic  agus  ceol.  The musicians were all tuning up for the seisuin in the back room . It was crowded so we sat just behind a partition across from the bar and there was my nemesis. Holding up the bar were two lads with pints in front of them. One of them had on a jacket that had Crew emblazoned on it. But the other fella well you could hardly see his jumper for the flowing beard . It looked like there was eating and drinking in it. I went to the bar to order a drink and that’s when it began. Beardie  leaned in close. ‘Are ye up for dancing ‘ he murmured. I ignored him but nothing daunted  he followed me  when I stood in the doorway of the back room to listen to the music. Another lean in. I used the elbow to some effect. He wandered off. And at least it was possible to  listen and tap the feet along with everyone else.. then a  young one hopped up and started  to step dance  although there was feic  all room for it. It was more of whirling Dervish than sean nos.  Then  in swept mister Crew jacket saying  sure you couldn’t leave a woman  to dance on her own and there he was shuffling alongside.  His feet rarely left the floor but unfortunately  the crowd cheered and clapped. ‘Don’t encourage him’  I thought. But that was it, as soon as her feet  hit the floor, and I mean hit the floor with her boots,  Crew was up and at it.

And beardie was in the wings leaning in using the crowding at the door to breathe Guinness  fumes down my neck. Retreat is sometimes the best strategy, so back to the bar I go  but the Craic is really beyond the partition. Especially when occasionally the musicians went quiet and others took the floor.  There was woman who said a monologue  on the joys of being old. For encore she told a joke. About a cat and a mother. Everyone already knew how it would go  apart from the two tourists sitting beside her . But she got great applause and even more when she hopped up with three others to dance the Kerry set. I don’t know how they managed it in the space between the tables . And the fellows involved were flying  and stamping with their feet in proper time. That will show  Mr Crew I thought.  He will hardly show himself up again. But nothing daunted  the Guinness gave him wings and within a few minutes he was back up with your wan not quite tripping the light fantastic.  Then I noticed beardie had left off haunting my shoulder.  He was weaving his unsteady way across the room. It was the way to the Gents. Good riddance I thought.  But then he stopped halfway. He smiled at the younger woman tourist and waved. She being polite rose to shake  his hand. He took and bowed low and kissed her hand. She didn’t know where to look. Welcome to the club sister I thought, now  you’ve met your worst ‘Fear’. .too.  She sat down quickly leaving him standing unsteady  on his feet. He eventually weaved his way to the Gents  and didn’t come back for a while . . It was a relief. But not for too long. Mr Crew was back up dancing when beardie returned  and this time he kissed the woman dancer. Crew and himself obviously  worked in pairs. Time to go i reckoned. When we left they were both still holding up the bar. They are probably  there still. My worst ‘Fear’ agus Mr Crew.

A Proclamation: Harry Browne

Proclamation from the Office of An Taoiseach

Given the unprecedented, grotesque, and unusual circumstances provoked by the recent “Emergency” in Ukraine (Most people think it’s a war but in Ireland we don’t do wars. We do emergencies) We find ourselves faced with a set of dire circumstances with the onset of Winter.

There is an upcoming shortage of fuel, particularly gas to warm our homes and drive our electricity turbines. We are facing the loss of our older citizens and our babies as we won’t be able to heat our homes due to hypothermia.

Mr Harry Browne, citizen of this State has come up with a solution to this extreme catastrophe.

To put it at its simplest, we are ignoring a huge waste of a precious resource, generated in vast quantities here in Ireland and allowing it to escape into the environment, causing untold troubles. METHANE.

For the duration of this emergency all sources of this precious gas will be harvested and distributed at need through the National Gas Grid.

This means, of course that all domestic animals will have to be fitted with a reclamation nappy so that any emissions will be gathered and fed into the grid.

All citizens will also be expected to contribute their emissions to the central grid and pending the construction of a nationwide system of collection each individual will be expected to deliver his or her own sealed bag of emissions to a central, district collection point on a weekly basis.

The release of our emissions into the environment, otherwise known as farting, will be considered a crime against society, and punished most severely. The old slogan is most appropriate here:

Save Energy, Fart in a Can

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